5 Remodeling Tips to Keep the Un-Dead Out

Haunted-house experts from This Old House offer 5 remodeling tips to protect your home, should the un-dead rise and attack:

  1. Install Doors of the Dead – affordable and impenetrable steel doors are the living-dead’s worst enemy. Plus dents and dings caused by the heathen invaders can be pulled and puttied with an auto-body repair kit. For added security install triple-point locks. Zombies friggin’ hate triple-point locks.
  2. Make Sure Windows are Walking-Dead-Proof – tempered-glass, hurricane-strength windows or wrought-iron security bars will protect you better than unguarded single-pane windows. Either way it’s never a bad idea to reinforce windows with plywood for maximum un-dead protection.
  3. Good Fences = Good Un-Dead Neighbors – electric fences are best, but building a tough, tall chain-link, wrought-iron, or cinderblock version (at least eight to twelve feet high) around your property will also work to keep the un-dead out. (The local zoning board might take offence, but, seriously, man; this is an invasion – who cares about zoning?)
  4. Strengthen Your Siding Against Cold, Dead Hands – clawing can really wreak havoc on clapboard Cape Cods or Colonial Revivals. For the best defense, we recommend a quality fiber-cement siding.
  5. Keep a low profile – During an un-dead attack, it may be tempting to stand by your window and contemplate the end of life as we know it. But instead of a deep thinker, all the zombies, vampires and werewolves will see is the human equivalent of a Whopper with cheese. Conceal yourself by using heavy curtains, blankets, or even steel plates to block any unboarded windows — and never turn the lights on…

Don’t forget about the resale value these protections will add to your home. Buyers will love the fact that the home is move-in ready and zombie-proof.


Filed under Industry Articles and Trends

2 responses to “5 Remodeling Tips to Keep the Un-Dead Out

  1. Mava Leighty

    This was Hilarious! Thanks for throwing in the humor!!

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